“I’m honestly terrified of getting old and dying alone… I got a birthday card from  Geico today and it triggered something.  What if I end up one of those old ladies who’s family and friends have all gotten married and had kids and moved on with life and I’m left sitting int an old house by myself ripping up junk mail into little pieces just to keep myself occupied with only Geico acknowledging my existence with a day-late birthday card???”

This is a text I sent to a friend earlier this week. While it is a tad over-dramatic, I admit, it represents a very real feel that exists in my soul.

I hit 2 milestones in life this past week.

Last Friday night was my last shift at the job I’ve worked for the past 8 1/2 years. It’s a job I’ve been trying to phase out of for a while now and I finally hit some of my financial goals which allowed me to leave. I left on good terms, but am very glad to be done with it. Still, it’s a bit odd to not have to go to work at 10:30 pm twice a week. It’s odd, and a bit sad to me, that I will no longer see my clients; people whom I’ve known the entirety of my employment there.

It’s a little scary. That job was always kinda my fall back. It’s carried me through several other jobs as well as been my full time employment several times. And, even though I’m confident I could go back any time if I ever found the need to, it still feels a little bit unsteady to not have it.

I also turned 30 on Monday. Anyone who knows me somewhat well knows that age isn’t something that phases me much. I often think and say that I can’t wait ’till I’m 50 because then maybe my body will have caught up with my soul. But, as seen in the above text, clearly something triggered and I think the source is 2 fold. And I don’t think either of the “folds” is uncommon.

If I can seem like I’m tangenting for a moment; “Not all those who wander are lost.” A well known quote, part of a prophetic poem in J.R.R. Tolkien’s “The Lord of the Rings”, one that I wear as a constant reminder around my neck. When I graduate high school I had no real idea what I wanted to do with my life. I knew I would be entering a “wandering” phase. When I hit my mid twenties and I still hadn’t exited that phase I became a bit concerned but then consoled myself with the fact that Jesus didn’t start His ministry until He was 30. Well now I’m 30. And while it seems as though my life’s direction is taking on some tangible form (albeit still somewhat indiscernible as to what that form is), there are still many things that I had hoped would have happened by now. The wrestling with wondering if I haven’t done those things because circumstances have inhibited me from them or because of some poor decision making is one I don’t understand. I think perhaps it may be some combination of both. I’ve been trying to find a balance of trusting Jesus with my circumstances and seizing/making opportunities when I can. But some of my dreams are still mostly out of my control.

Which leads me to the second fold of my struggle; I want to have a family.

The reality of unfulfilled dreams is one that has been very prominent in my thoughts as of late. It would be nice to believe that God wouldn’t put a dream in our hearts u less He intended to fulfill it, but I don’t think that’s necessarily true.  I think sometimes God gives us aches in our souls so we learn to trust and rely on Him. To learn in the realest way that He is sustenance enough for our souls.

I still pray almost daily that God would let find a husband and have children one day. And, while there are many days when I still have a hard time with this, I’m learning to let those words exit my heart and then rest in the thought that whatever He does or doesn’t have for me in that area will be good. And that even if I don’t find myself with a family of my own, I will not be alone.

I’m learning to see Jesus by my side daily again. To recognize, not only His hand in my life, but His perpetual presence. And this is good.

I don’t know what this next decade holds for me. For that matter I don’t know what tomorrow holds for me. I’m a little scared, a lot curious, and definitely anticipating whatever that may be.